Innocence Stolen

A Poem

She took my innocence away at such a young age

Speaking about adult issues when I was just a helpless child

Telling me what kind of lotion my Dad used to jack-off with

Explaining why he didn’t spend time with me

She said he would rather sit in his room and watch porn

Well now he is dead and I cannot spend time with him anymore

And I don’t want to spend time with her either

So she did not accomplish her purpose

Bashing him did not make me love her more

Bashing him did not make me love him any less

I did not feel love in the first place, to be honest

Getting abused in the name of love made me not want to love

I figured that if I never became attached to another person

Then when they died I would never have to hurt again

And so I learned to block out my emotions

When an emotion arose I renamed it

I told myself I was thirsty or tired

Or I would start spelling things out that I saw on a sign

If I felt like crying I distracted myself with other things

Until the feeling passed

Sometimes my brain felt like pinpongs flying around in my mind

Sometimes emotions felt like a rollercoaster crashing through a hurricane

And I could not explain what or why I was feeling at all

Sometimes I thought I should check myself into a nuthouse to try to just

figure things out

Eventually I just wanted to kill myself and so I tried and that didn’t work either

So I ended up in a psych ward nine different times

And here I am now living this life with memories I need to start feeling

So I can start living for the first time and start realizing

what true reality is supposed to be like

No thanks to that woman that some like to refer to as “Mom”

Writer, Wife, Mama to many. My book of poetry, "Wandering Through the Darkness" can be found at https://tinyurl.com/yaos7vp3 Visit me at Misfit-believer.com

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